We were listening to Notes from Underground Saturday, and at one point - keep in mind, this was in the early 19th century - the narrator said that it was simply bad manners to live past 40.
I've long operated on the rule of thumb that if I'm still alive at 64, I will kill myself. I think 64 years is plenty long to have tried really, really hard to do the right thing, and it's also plenty long to live with depression and abusive parents and spouses and ex-spouses.
The question is, can I stand to stick around for that long?
My daughter is still very fragile, and I feel powerless to help her.
I work 12 hour days, 7 days a week, and I'm perpetually broke. As in, I go hungry at least a couple of times a week.
My son and Maury had an argument, and now Maury says he's leaving.
I haven't used my sewing machine (my main source of recreation) for a couple of months now.
My lawyer totally dropped the ball on the petition for my daughter to come live here. And now it will probably never happen.
I don't ask for much. I would be so happy if I could work one morning a week out at a coffee shop where I could watch the world happen.
I would love it if just one time, my father could drop by unannounced and not criticize the way I've parked the car/the line of work I have chosen/how I have raised my children/my credit card balance/ my not having had the oil changed in my car now that it's overdue by, like, 10 miles / the fact that I have not planned out and executed the perfect life, the way he has.
I would love to buy some new contact lenses. I'm on my last pair of disposable lenses, and they will have to last indefinitely.
I wish I could hear.
I would love to have time to read something that I want to read, and not just things I have to read for work.
I was absolutely sure that Maury and I would spend the next 21 years together. That's how many years until I turn 64. And now? Who knows? What if he leaves, and I'm left here with all the great memories of the past year, the only time in my life I was absolutely sure that I was loved and valued?
I feel wrong just for existing. Dostoevsky was right. Very bad manners for me to have lived past 40.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
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6 comments:
I am so sorry.
It sounds so terrible for you. I wish I could do something that makes it better. You have it so much worse than so many. Does it help that I say I feel a little better that the world has someone as nice and caring as you in it.
Yes. That helps. Sometimes I think that the whole Jungian theory of our destiny being in place even before we're born is absolutely true. It's like I came off the assembly line totally f**cked.
The longer I live, the more I believe that God is a middle-aged white guy with silver hair and an entitlement complex who likes keeping people in their place - particularly those who dare to try and change it in ways not prescribed by popular culture.
Sorry. I am having a really bad night. I just ground up about 75 mg of imipramine (don't worry, it would take way more than that to kill me)some dimenhydramine, and a chip of seroquel for good measure. And now I'm going to bed hoping that maybe all this will have been an unusually crappy dream.
I hope to hell the dreams improve, KH. You're one of the Good Guys. The world needs more of you, not less.
Hope this day goes better than the last.
Love to read your blog, and feel so bad for you right now.
I thumb my nose at Dostoevsky, having blew past 40 going on 15 years ago.
But then, I never did have such awfully nice manners...
I have said something similar about God in the past, he likes to keep me alive because he secretly enjoys torturing some people.
Don't let everything get on top of you, especially you dad, next time he turns up for another judgement session remind him you turned 18 or 21 or whatever it is a long time ago and if he is there to be a pain well he knows where the door is.
Hopefully your family will settle down with the fighting and the leaving thing, is there anyway you can let these two know just how you are affected by their behaviour? Perhaps they need to look at what is going on around them, instead of thinking about only themselves.
Mary, I am sure you feel like life has been one snafu, but take a few steps back, you are a wonderful person. Please remember that.
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